I've come back and forth to my computer this week, trying to decide whether or not to write about something that, again, has taken America by storm. Something that has divided our nation once more. Something that leaves both sides boiling with anger, and to be perfectly honest, this week I have just become overwhelmed with many many emotions. Many people I love and respect have shared their views. Some people I don't really care for have shared their views. There are others I don't even know, and yet, I still see their opinions scattered over my Facebook feed, and I am overwhelmed to my core. I feel powerless.
Living in this unbelievably conservative corner of NW Iowa, I know that by saying my own thoughts and views, I am subjecting myself to the probability of getting scrutinized through the ever so easy ability of others to type up their comments rather than saying them to me in person, and perhaps that is why I've stayed relatively silent until now. However, this morning I had a small, but very powerful epiphany. I kept mulling over the fact that I drill into my kids' heads that if you stand around and watch people exert their power over another and don't do anything about it, you are part of the problem. If that's true, then doesn't this issue fit into that same box, or is that only true on the playground or in the cafeteria or the girls' bathroom? I personally don't think so. Therefore, if I expect my kids to stand up for what they know is right. If I expect them to have integrity, then why am I not holding myself to that same standard?
Because it's scary. That's why. It's hard to have a minority opinion. It's hard to risk having people stop liking you (yes, even as an adult). It's painful to have friends or family decide that your opinion is enough to make them not what to be part of your circle anymore. But you know what's harder? Living with yourself knowing that you didn't stand up for your beliefs. That you have to look at yourself in the mirror every day and feel like a fraud. That you have to explain to your kids that you became someone you try to teach them every day not to become. To me, the price is much greater to stay silent than it is to speak up.
So my next dilemma was how to go about it. I am a firm believer that shame motivates no one into change. I'm not here to tell you I'm right and you're wrong. And I'm definitely not here to sway anyone into changing a political stance to any one party. In fact, when Dr. Blasey Ford came forward accusing Kavanaugh of attempted rape, politics were the last thing on my mind. Instead, I felt compelled to share my view with the hopes that maybe some of you might read this through a different lense. Maybe I could help someone see a very different perspective. When all we hear in the media and our Facebook and Twitter feeds is what the Dems or Republicans are doing wrong.
But I warn you. It comes with some major vulnerability. I suppose most things that are worth fighting for drag along the baggage of vulnerability. So I pray that you are gentle. That you don't hear what I'm not saying, and more importantly that you hear what I AM saying. So here it goes.
I believe her. I believe Dr. Blasey-Ford. I believe her because I was her. No, I was not almost raped, but I was one of the "one in four girls" that was sexually harassed/assaulted before the age of 18. I've never told anyone the whole story, and only Dan knows a few very vague details. But I do feel like that warrants enough to have me bring something to the table in lieu of this national conversation.
When I look to my feeds and listen to the news, the major things I keep hearing over and over again are
she's probably lying and if she's not, why didn't she come forward until now? Also, how could she remember some things, but not others? Her memory is foggy at best. Maybe it actually happened but not by Kavanaugh. Probably someone else. And finally, my favorite. The one that people are getting the most bang for their buck in the meme department- why are we holding him accountable for things that happened 35 years ago?
Let's dig into this shall we?
*Did you know that roughly, only 5% of reported sexual assault cases turn out to be false. This means that 95% of reports are found to be true. There is a higher probability that she's telling the truth than that she is lying.
So if she's telling the truth, why didn't she come forward until now?
* 1 in every 100 accused rapists do time. That means that the victim is far more affected by what happens than the person who's actually done the crime. If nothing happens anyway, why say it?
*In the case of Dr. Blasey-Ford, she felt it was her civic duty to let those making major decisions that affect this country know her truth before giving someone with that history a great deal of power. Coming forward will forever affect her. It would have been much easier to keep this quiet, but again. In my opinion, it's harder to look at yourself in the mirror every day when you know you didn't do the right thing, and you can't take it back.
*In my situation, I didn't want to make waves. I never come forward because I don't like confrontation. I wasn't even ten at the time, and I was scared to tell anyone. I felt guilt and shame, like it was my fault. Like I could have changed it. Besides, who would have believed a kid? By the time I was an adult, I never said anything because what good would it have done? I don't even remember his last name. Would I love to say something to him today? You bet. But just because it doesn't run my life or my thoughts on a day to day basis, doesn't mean I'm never affected by it. It stays with you forever.
*Research sexual abuse and the psychological effects. It gives a lot of insight into the mind of a victim.
How can anyone remember something that happened 35 years ago? Her reports are vague and she can't even remember the details from that night- like how she got home. How in the world are we supposed to trust someone who doesn't remember things like that?
You guys. I don't remember what I was wearing. I don't remember why he was at my house. I don't remember how it happened, but I sure as hell remember who did it. His face is forever etched in my memory. I remember the incident, and nothing else, and it wasn't 35 years ago. Believe me- I wish I could forget that moment like I can easily forget why I walk into the kitchen a billion times a week. But I can't. Some things can't be forgotten.
Finally- "Are we really going to crucify this man for something that happened decades ago? I sure hope nobody looks into what I did as a high schooler/college kid. Better tell my son not to talk to any girl on the playground. It will come back to bite him in the butt later."
Ok. I really really REALLY hope that if you are saying this, that you weren't out at parties drugging women and forcing their clothes off of their bodies. I sure hope we aren't saying "teenagers will be teenagers". YOU GUYS. This wasn't someone mooning the car behind them. This wasn't whistling at a girl on the street (but still...ew. Don't do that.) THIS WAS SEXUAL ASSAULT. Why does he get a free pass because he was in college? I was married and a freaking mother by the time I was in college. HE WAS AN ADULT. Is that what this world has come to? Are we really willing to die to the sake of a political party rather than call it what it is? S.E.X.U.A.L. A.S.S.A.U.L.T
What if this happened to your daughter....or son for that matter? Oh yes, it happens to boys/men too. And believe me, it's much less reported. I can't imagine the jokes in the locker room that would come from spilling those beans. Come on guys! We need to wake up! We need to stop picking sides and remember the HUMANITY of this woman. Please take into consideration all the victims that had to relive their old wounds listening to this hearing and all the muck that came with it. Think of how many victims feel as though their voice doesn't matter. Their pain doesn't matter. That they don't matter.
And then remember that the probability that you love someone who has been assaulted/harassed is very high. Even if you don't know it, and then remember that they are watching what you say......or what you don't. If we don't speak up, we are part of the problem. We need more than just the women to speak up. We need the good men to have our back too.
(And just a side note....I don't want to rehash my experience. I don't want to relive it. I brought it out to hopefully share a new perspective, but it's still painful even decades later. I just thought it might help someone. Thanks for understanding and being gentle with my story.)
I hope that if nothing else, you were able to view this in a different light and that maybe you can be more mindful about what you say or post. That maybe you are able to understand differently that what you are posting affects someone you love in a way you didn't realize it did. "Know better. Do better." Let's divide less and come together more. In this day and age, it isn't going to happen on your phone or your computer screen. Not on Facebook or Twitter. Not on CNN or Fox News.
Let's make a commitment to get out into the world and do our part to bring people together. Listen to someone's story. Hug them. Tell them they matter. That you love them. That their pain is safe with you. Let's tear down the walls that divide and hate....not build them. Be the light.
