Change

The seasons have sure changed quickly this year, more than I remember in the past. It's probably because it stayed warmer longer than usual into Fall, or that Thanksgiving and Christmas were only three weeks apart this year, but I'm realizing that time moves a lot quicker the older you get. 

Time moved a lot slower when I was younger. I don't remember how many times I sat with my friends wishing for time to speed up. I spent countless hours daydreaming about what life would be like when I was on my own, who I would marry, how many kids we would have, where we would live and what I would do for a living. It's funny that what I thought I wanted as a kid is not exactly what I wanted when I actually grew up. And even if it was a little bit, it's definitely not as fairy tale as I thought it would be. Maybe that's just me.

Change has become a word that has weaved itself into my life. It's just become part of who I am. I've always been resilient to change, almost welcomed it into my life like an old friend coming over for a visit. Both Dan and I have a hard time with things staying the same. We're always trying out new ways to rearrange our furniture or coming up with new projects that we can do on the house with an affordable price tag. We've always embraced most of the changes that have happened in our lives, even if it took a little longer to recognize the beauty in the change.

I'm finding that change is a constant as you get older. Some of it is welcome and some of it is not so much, but through all of the changes, I find that I grow in ways I don't expect. I'm not even talking about time. I know I've said over and over again that time moves too quickly. My babies are growing up too fast, and as much as I hate that, I'm enjoying what each new season of life brings us. However, time is not the only thing that changes.

Change has come to me in many forms like my daughter being born, and in the form of meeting Dan when I already thought I had life figured out, in both of us changing jobs, in having more children, in losing grandparents, in making new friends, and  in so many other things I can't seem to recall.

One of the biggest ones has been happening over the past few years, I've begun to reflect on my life, in particular, my faith. I've asked myself questions like "Why do I believe what I believe" and the only answer I can come up with is "because that's the way I was brought up". Well that's not good enough for me. At some point, I have to know why I believe the things on my own terms and not just because someone told me to. That's not at all to say that my parents or the church didn't know what they were talking about because they gave me a foundation, and that is so invaluable, but truth can be relative to each individual person, whether we are okay with that or not.

So I've begun breaking down what I've grown up believing in, and that's a scary process. My foundation is grounded. I love Jesus, and I know that He is my Savior and my rock, but there are a lot of things I'm not sold on, and that's hard because a lot of it is against the grain of this small little NW Iowa area. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with believing in things that are different from the majority. I believe that God gave us more than just the Bible to help guide us. He gave us our hearts and our experiences too, and I believe that we are supposed to use all three to make the best choices we can. I'm okay with not having all the right answers, and I'm even okay with dying never having found them.

I'm learning to be okay with everyone having their own opinions and beliefs. I recognize that you need to find your own truth, and that mine will never be exactly the same as yours. Politics and religion are two places in social media that drive wedges between people, and it doesn't make it easier to have a civil conversation when people can say whatever they want to say behind the confines of computer screen. Even if they know who they are talking to, somehow typing things makes people braver. In any case, I'm consciously trying not to engage in every conversation that I feel needs my voice. I sure hope that people who want to know what I believe or why I believe it will give me enough respect to sit down with me over coffee or lunch and ask me. And I hope I will show the same respect to them.

I've decided to make 2014 a year where I focus on fixing my own spiritual demons and not worrying so much about everybody else's. God's got that under control. He doesn't need me defending Him or fighting his battles. Nobody has EVER in the history of ever been shamed or criticized into becoming a Christian, and I'd hate to see someone turn away from Jesus because of the way I acted or the hurtful words I said. Sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I tell my kids that constantly. I need to take my own advice.
                     
2014 will be a year of change for me. Good change.

I will work on changing my outlook about others and their beliefs. I will work on changing myself for the better and taking care of my own demons. I will change my exercise habits and the way I spend my money. I will change how my mornings go at home. I will not be an angry mother, and I will stop yelling. I have a long ways to go, but I will get there.

T-2 days until Christmas. Let the countdown begin!!

May your week be merry and bright. Merry Christmas!

Enjoying the Little/Big Things

I haven't done a simple "Enjoying" post for quite some time, and right now feels like a pretty good time to do it. It's not because the windchill is -25 degrees or because my 3rd graders have had indoor recess every recess for what seems like an eternity, but because I find that when I am irritated or stressed out by what really are such small things, I know I need to seek out (which really isn't that hard) the things that make me happy. And this time of year, there is so much that makes me smile.

Right now I'm enjoying:

The first snow

Totally fake picture, but I haven't been very good about taking mine out lately and this one is prettier. :) We had some snowfall this weekend, and as much as I hate driving on snowy roads and the negative temperatures, Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas without snow.

Our Elf

You don't have to know me long to know I'm crazy about Christmas. I love the magic of this season and the wonder it brings to my children's hearts. Some of my favorite childhood memories are from my own Christmases past, and so to pass along that love for this time of year to them is so special for me. And part of that wonder for my kids is Bernard. Our beloved (NON CREEPY) elf. Disclaimer: I'm creeped out by actual Elf on the Shelf. The one you buy in stores that has a crazy scary smile. The one that reports back to Santa to see if your kids are being naughty or nice when he himself can't behave. Yeah, we don't do that. Our adorably cute homemade elf was made by a good friend who is so so talented. (Her name is Maggie Eilts and you can find her on facebook. I think she still makes them and sells them for a good cause.) Anywho, our elf is on vacation from the North Pole, just enjoying some quality time with the Wolfswinkels. Santa picks him up on his way through on Christmas Eve.

Anyways, my kids love him. They really really do, and their belief in the magic of this season just has me doing backflips. It brings us closer together, and I just know that these memories are filling up pages in their memory banks. On that note, I have a confession to make. My daughter still believes in Santa Claus. She's ten. And when I tell most people that, I'm pretty sure their jaws drop and they look at me like I'm a tad bit crazy. I just can't let go of this. Not yet. I'm not ready for wonder to leave her beautiful little face, and I know that's selfish. I don't want her to get made fun of for still believing in Santa. I still have the look of wonder on my face, so I'm not sure why I think that will change for her, but I know the time is coming.

My current dilemma is that her 2nd grade brother has written a letter to Santa Claus, and in our school. The 4th graders are the ones that write back. If you are doing the math, that means Jaedyn is going to be writing a letter posing as Santa, and I'm feeling a little anxious about it. I don't want to be the mom who goes into her teacher's room and says, "Please don't ruin this for me." (Okay, who am I kidding? I really did do that, but I confronted the wrong teacher, and now my logical brain is telling me to just drop it.) So, I'm preparing for questions. How will I handle this? What am I going to say? Because the reality is that the image of Santa is so much more than presents and being good or bad. We really don't even focus on that when we talk about him. Santa is the wonder. Santa is the magic. It is just a part of Christmas I've always held onto. I blame my mother. She is the one that refused to confess that he didn't exist until I was married with two kids. I'm crazy for a reason.

Thank goodness for Pinterest, I found a letter that I will be copying word for word when the time is right. Don't judge me.

And no worries, I know this season is ultimately about Jesus' Birthday. We don't forget it. We make lots of room for all of the great things about Christmas. I promise!

I digress. This post is about enjoying.

I am also enjoying the 47" TV my husband won at his work Christmas party. He has all the luck. At least I get to reap some of the benefits!

Watching my daughter do something she loves

She loves gymnastics. She really does. Watching the pride on her face as she performed her routines in front of us made me tear up a little. I'm excited to see where her interests take her as she leaves elementary school and graduates to Middle School.

Picture Walls

Our walls have been a little bare, and my husband is helping me fill them. The bottom one is a work in progress, but I love pictures on my walls of the people I love!

I bought this gem this weekend:

Why yes...that is It's a Wonderful Life. In fact, it's one of my all time favorite Christmas movies. #thingsthatmakemyhearthappy

Festive feet

I'm getting a pedicure with my cousins on Friday, but I wanted some Christmas-y toes for this week. My brother-in-law kindly reminded me that they looked a bit like I was rooting for the 49ers, but I think the 49ers are just festive year round. They must have a Christmas freak flag like me. :)

That does it! A few things I'm enjoying this week. We are simplifying our December. We are making room for activities and baking and traditions and friends and family, but we are also making sure to spend time at home, and cuddle under the blankets while we watch Christmas movies and trying to remember that this time is also about being a family. What are you enjoying this week? Leave me a message and let me know!

25 Things I Want My Kids to Remember About Christmas

Maybe it's just me, but when I was a kid, I don't remember there being so much hoopla about shopping and "stuff" at Christmastime. I'm sure part of it had to do with my youth. The shopping part wasn't something I had to deal with firsthand, but I also am not naive enough to believe that it hasn't gotten exponentially worse as technology has become such a staple in our everyday lives.

Don't get me wrong, I go Black Friday shopping, but I don't DO Black Friday shopping. I don't believe in trampling over the Thanksgiving holiday just to save a few bucks on a toaster. I don't understand people throwing punches for the last blu-ray player or playing a five year old game of tug of war for a DVD that is $5 off. I know that there are a lot of people who don't celebrate Thanksgiving with their family until the weekend, but I am strongly against making someone else, who could have spent time with their family, work for my convenience. For stuff. (Hops off soapbox now)

Stuff that's going to be played with a few times and tossed to the side. Stuff that we have to find a place for, deal with, get sick of, and put on a garage sale.

So it got be thinking. What do I want my kids to remember about Christmas? What do I want them to pass down to their own kids? So I made a list. Enjoy and feel free to add some of your own.

1. In our house, Christmas is about Jesus first. The rest is secondary.
2. Family matters. Invest in them. They are all you have. At the end of the day, these relationships are the ones that count.

3. Friends are family you choose. Everything that applies to #2 applies to #3.
4. Slow down and appreciate the little things. Little things become the big things.
5. Traditions matter. Establish them, and make room for new ones. Traditions will hold a very special place full of memories in your mind when you get older.

8. Giving is far more rewarding than receiving. Don't get caught up in the hype of "stuff". Put thought into the gifts you give/make people.
9. Homemade gifts are usually some of the most treasured.

10. The stuff goes away. Relationships do not.
11. You will never have a perfect Christmas. But you WILL have moments of joy and happiness. Cherish them.

12. It's okay to say Merry Christmas to someone and have them say Happy Holidays back to you. Not everyone believes what we believe, but we will always respect other people's values and beliefs. You can learn a lot from people who don't believe the same things you do.
13. Cultivate and celebrate the wonder in little children.

14. Santa Claus may not be real as a person, but he's alive through the spirit he brings to the season. Don't ruin that for others.
15. You will never get everything you want. Be grateful for the things you are blessed to receive and always remember that somebody else sacrificed time and money to find what they thought would be a great gift for you. The cliche, "It's the thought that counts" really does apply here.

16. Slow down and listen to other people's stories. Even if you've heard them a hundred times. Ask questions. Really take the time to get to know people.
17. Giving to others is so important this time of year, but remember to carry that on throughout the whole year. Not just November and December.
18. Someone once told me a candle is a poor man's fireplace. Your decorations and gifts may never be lavish. It's all about perspective.

19. Smile often. To everyone you meet. Show grace where you can. The season may be all about hustle and bustle for some. Be the bigger person.
20. Classic Christmas music will make you happy. There's nothing like a little Bing Crosby and Louis Armstrong to make a crappy day into a better one.
21. It's okay if the bottom of the Christmas tree looks too full. Some day it will look perfect.
22. You don't need to pack it all in at Christmastime. It's a lesson I learned a little late. Remember that less is more. People are more important than plans. Know when to scale back and keep things simple.
23. When you do go shopping, thank people. Look them in the eye. Let them know they matter.
24. You won't regret getting a real Christmas tree. I promise.

25. Above all, be grateful. Be thankful. Love others. Show up. Be present. Enjoy your family. And really remember why we celebrate Christmas.

When you let stuff lead your schedule, you will come out feeling deflated and exhausted, ready for December to be over and January to show up. When the focus is right where it should be, there is so much potential to make memories that will last for years and years. Choose to make people your priority instead of things. You truly will enjoy Christmas more if you keep these in mind.

What do you want your kids to remember about Christmas? I'd love to hear your ideas!

Our Thanksgiving Vacation

As we speak, I'm sitting in my big comfy chair sitting criss-cross applesauce in front of the fireplace (I love saying that), Christmas lights are twinkling, a wine glass is on the table next to me and my living room smells like fresh pine trees. My kids are being kept busy with the Kinect downstairs, and my husband is trying to hang pictures on the wall. I'm trying to find a few moments of silence where someone isn't screaming my name or whining about whose turn it is to pick a movie.
I love vacations from school. I love that when I have a day off, they have a day off, but with it comes moments where I exhale a lot deeper than I normally do. Sawyer has started this screaming phase that could seriously make glass shatter. Carter is as stubborn as both Dan and I combined and constantly feels like he needs to have the last word, and Jaedyn is at an age where it's the end of the world if you haven't had a sleepover in each and every month, and spending and entire weekend with family is not near as fun as it used to be. On top of that, I'm missing all four legs of the tree downstairs and the lights are toast except for exactly 14 of the 300 lights that are on it which means I don't get to decorate it with all of my ornaments that hold such fond memories of my childhood.
But as I sit back and just take in the last few days, I can do nothing but smile. My house is lived in. My kids are healthy and act the way "normal" (if you could call us that) kids do. It's my favorite time of year, and I know that all too soon, my house will be quiet, and Dan and I will be empty nesters waiting for the next time our kids will make it home. So for now, I'm going to relish in the disorder and the noise. I'm going to get a giant silly grin on my face every time Sawyer says, "Right mama?". I'm going to be the last to let go when Carter hugs me and tells me he loves me so much. I'm going to hold onto the moments where all three of my children believe in the magic of the season, and store in my memory the look on Jaedyn's face when she realized our elf had come back from the North Pole this year with a gift.
I'm learning with time that patience goes a long way. When I remember that they are only kids for a small window of time, I don't get so bent out of shape as quickly. Sure, I still get mad. I still have those moments when I lose my crap. (This morning was one) But I'm getting better at letting them be little.

With that ridiculously winded preface, we are enjoying our break. Wednesday night was our Thanksgiving Eve service at church. Jaedyn and Carter and all the 2nd-6th graders got to lead worship. It was such a cool service. We have some talented kiddos in our church who have such angelic voices. It was such a blessing to hear them sing. There were moments during the service that allowed us to reflect on all that we had been thankful for that year. We took Sawyer up to one of the poster boards and let him draw what he was thankful for. I wish I had a picture, but it was a very deformed looking stick person, and when he was done he asked, "Mom, how do you spell God?" And when the pastor told the congregation that if they felt led to share something they were thankful for, Carter raised his hand a bazillion times to say the things he was thankful for in the mic. We spent the remaining moments at home cuddled up watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. It was a fine evening to be thankful for, indeed.

Thanksgiving morning started out exactly how I like it, watching the Thanksgiving Day parade as I prepared my part of the Thanksgiving meals.

Being in attendance during the Thanksgiving Day parade is on my bucketlist, and it WILL happen.

We enjoyed our afternoon with the Wolfswinkels, catching up with family we don't see very often. Our evening was spent with my dad, laughing with siblings and smooching on nieces, playing cards, and singing one-liners of songs we don't know all the words to. We were out far later than we should have been, especially since Amy had been up for over 24 hours, but nevertheless, we enjoyed family and I was reminded of how blessed I really am.

Traditionally, Amy and I head out for some Black Friday shopping every year. We typically hate the crowds, but get a kick out of people scrambling about to save a few bucks on Christmas gifts that their kids will probably break in a matter of months. Our Black Friday shopping goes a little like this. Set the alarm for 5:30. Roll out of bed at 6:00. Grab a cup of coffee at the gas station. Meander into a store without a plan. Pick up some gifts. Notice we saved some money (winning!!). Grab a snack. Shop a little more. Decide we're bored. Get some ethnic food before we head home. Most of the time something happens to our wheels/tires that causes us to spend some time begging for help from very kind strangers. This year, however, Jesus was kind to us and decided we didn't deserve it, and we made it home before dark. WOO HOO! Oh yes...and Bernard showed up yesterday as well. Christmas is coming!!

This book is so amazing. I found it here. I don't know why it's so expensive on Amazon. I seriously had mine shipped for $9 total. It is such an amazing book. If you love the magic of the season like I do, you will love this book. There are so many details in it about the North Pole and Santa. Included are a letter from Santa and Mrs. Claus, a letter from a child to Santa Claus, Wisdom of the Elves book, Santa's Diary, and so much more. It is the coolest book I've ever seen.

We're spending the rest of our weekend with no agenda. We went and saw one of the free movies today in Sioux Center with some friends. We'll watch some Bronco/Chiefs action tomorrow, and I will probably bribe my children into watching one more Christmas movie before the weekend is complete. One thing is for sure, I am so thankful for the family and friends God has given me. I'm so so blessed.
Happy Belated Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Don't Forget to Be Alive

I've definitely been MIA for the past few weeks. The normalcy in my life has somewhat taken the back burner to more important issues lately, and while this place is exactly where I belong right now, I'm missing some of the more normal things in my life, such as running, getting enough sleep, being outside, catching up on my shows ;), etc..... I'm struggling to find meaningful posts to write or even to come up with enough "Enjoying the small things" to fill up a page.

Quite frankly, Right now, I'm just very overwhelmed with life. Every part of it. I can't keep up at school or at home. My to-do list seems never ending. I'm struggling to be still and have patience with my middle, and many days I'm crying on the way to school wondering why mornings are such hell. Honestly, I just don't feel like enough. For anybody. I don't feel like anybody is getting my best, and I'm feeling like what should be the best time of the year for me, the encore of another 365 days, is quickly coming and going right before my eyes. And while it would be easy to just let it keep going, keep flashing, keep passing, I can't let that happen. That's not what I want my kids to remember about these years.

I want them to remember that there are times when people need you and you need people, and that is what we are here on this Earth to do. To be a net for people. To remind others that we can do hard things and that this world is a brutiful place where we stick together and remember that love wins. So when you are needed, you drop your normal schedule for awhile-maybe an hour, maybe a month, and you be a net because someday you will need that net, and they will be there to catch you.

BUT I also want them to remember that it's important to still live in the midst of all the chaos, even when it's easy to let the days pass by because you're too exhausted to be alive. Today is Friday, and I'm going to go live this weekend, and come back to add to this post because darnit....my kids deserve to live even when I'm tired, and I WILL find some small things to enjoy!!!!!

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Here we are. It's Sunday night, and I promised you I'd come alive and remember to show that to my kiddos. So here's how we spent our weekend. It looked a whole lot like Christmas up in here.

My most treasured Christmas decoration. It was my mom's. She gave it to me when I moved out on my own with Jaedyn for my first Christmas. I remember winding up everyday before I went to school and every night before bed. It symbolizes creating new beautiful memories with my children so they have stories to tell their own kids someday. This is my favorite time of year for so many reasons but mostly for the way it brings family together.

I love the look of wonder on his face. It makes my heart happy.

I know he's my child because this is what he put on when I told him to put on something comfy after church....Jammies #forthewin

She's getting too old to lift up like this, but hey...Tradition is tradition.

Nothing says good old fashioned family time like cuddling up with your family in front of the new fireplace your husband gave you for Christmas and watching the first Christmas movie of the season, lights all aglow and fireplace blazin'.

And here are a couple of small things I've enjoyed this past week.

The layout of the new Omaha outlet mall. My ladies and I are ready for spring so we can go on our 4th annual Girls Shopping Weekend!

Cutting down the perfect tree

Borrowing the fireplace for a cozy picture after some hot cider and hot chocolate

I'm learning that sometimes I only need to be still. When I'm too overwhelmed and weary, God's got my back, and I need to let him carry me for awhile. This month has been this for me. I haven't been still enough. Glennon knew that I needed a little reminder, so this week she posted this over at Momastery.

If you can’t remember how to feed yourself but you remember what joy is: BE STILL. YOU HAVE TO GET STILL BEFORE YOU CAN REALLY GET UP. GOD MADE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL AND CREATIVE AND BEAUTIFUL OUT OF NOTHINGNESS- STILLNESS AND GOD STILL DOES. So find some quiet. 10 – 5 minutes a day. Try this- Travis sent it to us last night:

1) Prepare to pray the Psalm in 5 consecutively diminishing sentences.
2) Either aloud or quietly to yourself, say the words, “Be still and know that I am God”
3) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still and know that I am.”
4) After a couple deep breaths, pray “Be still and know.”
5) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still.”
6) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be.”
7) When ready, pray, “Amen.”

The weeks are getting closer to Christmas. This week is Thanksgiving. I need to be present, but oh so alive. Get out there and help someone in need. Stop and thank God for what he's blessed you with. Pay it forward. Enjoy the small things. BE STILL. That is my challenge to myself this week. Just Be Still. 

If you can’t remember how to feed yourself but you remember what joy is: BE STILL. YOU HAVE TO GET STILL BEFORE YOU CAN REALLY GET UP. GOD MADE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL AND CREATIVE AND BEAUTIFUL OUT OF NOTHINGNESS- STILLNESS AND GOD STILL DOES. So find some quiet. 10 – 5 minutes a day. Try this- Travis sent it to us last night:
1) Prepare to pray the Psalm in 5 consecutively diminishing sentences.
2) Either aloud or quietly to yourself, say the words, “Be still and know that I am God”
3) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still and know that I am.”
4) After a couple deep breaths, pray “Be still and know.”
5) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still.”
6) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be.”
7) When ready, pray, “Amen.”
- See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/#sthash.hibhYbpA.dpuf

If you can’t remember how to feed yourself but you remember what joy is: BE STILL. YOU HAVE TO GET STILL BEFORE YOU CAN REALLY GET UP. GOD MADE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL AND CREATIVE AND BEAUTIFUL OUT OF NOTHINGNESS- STILLNESS AND GOD STILL DOES. So find some quiet. 10 – 5 minutes a day. Try this- Travis sent it to us last night:
1) Prepare to pray the Psalm in 5 consecutively diminishing sentences.
2) Either aloud or quietly to yourself, say the words, “Be still and know that I am God”
3) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still and know that I am.”
4) After a couple deep breaths, pray “Be still and know.”
5) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still.”
6) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be.”
7) When ready, pray, “Amen.”
- See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/#sthash.hibhYbpA.dpuf

If you can’t remember how to feed yourself but you remember what joy is: BE STILL. YOU HAVE TO GET STILL BEFORE YOU CAN REALLY GET UP. GOD MADE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL AND CREATIVE AND BEAUTIFUL OUT OF NOTHINGNESS- STILLNESS AND GOD STILL DOES. So find some quiet. 10 – 5 minutes a day. Try this- Travis sent it to us last night:
1) Prepare to pray the Psalm in 5 consecutively diminishing sentences.
2) Either aloud or quietly to yourself, say the words, “Be still and know that I am God”
3) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still and know that I am.”
4) After a couple deep breaths, pray “Be still and know.”
5) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still.”
6) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be.”
7) When ready, pray, “Amen.”
- See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/#sthash.hibhYbpA.dpuf

Just Keep Swimming

Sometimes I come on here to write, and I know exactly what I want to say, and other times such as this week, I find myself starting to type and hitting backspace more than any other key. Therefore, I apologize in advance if none of this post comes out making any sense. It's been an emotionally exhausting week and a half to say the least, and I'm trying to sift out the things that I want to take away from it all.

It's been an incredibly busy 9 days. That much I can say. I've spent the last week and a half trying to stay afloat...Just keep swimming has been my mantra. As much as I love meeting with parents at conferences, it drains me. By today, it's not even a question that I needed this day off, or I'm afraid I would have let the kids watch movies all day while I laid my head on my desk and slept. On weeks like these, there's so much information to process on top of the already growing list of things that needed to get done and graded. Today I don't feel like doing much of anything, and I'm not going to feel guilty for it!

In addition to just being swamped, my heart just hurts for a number of reasons. People I love are struggling with different issues, and it's hard to watch people who mean so much to you be distressed about things you can't fix or take away. Also, this past week, a precious three year old girl was taken into the arms of Jesus for reasons that could have been prevented, and while it's not my story to tell, my heart hurts for this family I don't know and the other families involved. I can't imagine losing one of my littles...ever. It's a parents' unspoken plea with God to never ever take one of their babies before He takes them. Personally, it's my worst nightmare on any given day.

And so I sit here and emotionally wrestle with God about things that I can't control. God has blessed me and cursed me with a heart that is exploding with empathy. I'm a fixer. I want to scoop up all the people I love-friends and family alike- and put a protective shield over them. It doesn't matter if the issues they are dealing with are life changing or temporarily taking space, I don't like to see them struggle. I feel very blessed that I get to see many of my girls 2-3 times a week as is, so when somebody is struggling with something, we usually have an outlet, a place to reaffirm that we're in this together, that we've got each other to lean on.

And so on a week I felt like maybe I was needed (conceited much, Mandi?), or more importantly, that I needed them, I wasn't available. Not to my friends. Not to my husband. Not to my kids. And I started to feel very drained and empty. Like I had been stretched so thin and was more or less a very useless blob taking up space. When I woke up this morning, I spent a few moments sulking about the week and what I could have done differently. Did I use the time I had wisely? Was I enough of a mom or wife or friend this week? I sure didn't feel like it.

Strangely, though, right now I feel kind of at peace with it. I seriously didn't have an extra second of time to think about any of these things until today, and I think it was God's way of letting me know that He had it covered. Sometimes I forget that God doesn't need me at all. It's so very much the other way around. He's got the protective shield. He's going to get them through it. He's not going to let them go. Struggle is part of life. We all have trials and hardships that we go through that God has used to grow us and stretch us. I would run out of fingers if I tried to count up all the times God has used my adversity for good. It's always good. We just can't always see it right away.

Let me be clear. Suffering, struggle, agony, loss, grief, and misery are not fun. Most people who are going through the most difficult moments in their lives rarely see the good that comes from their pain until most of it is behind them. Those few people I've witnessed who are still able to see God's will in the midst of it are usually aware that God's going to use their trials for good, but haven't gotten to the point of actually feeling it yet. We call that faith. What I do know is that God has placed us here to belong to one another. To love one another. To be kind to one another. To lift up one another. To be a net for one another. Does he need me to carry out his plans? No. Can his will be done without my help? Absolutely. But he knows that most of us need something or someone tangible to be His hands and feet. So here we are.

I may not have been everything I could have been for the people I loved this week. If you got the short end of the stick because of that, I'm sorry. Fortunately for grace, there's always tomorrow. I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and be better today than I was yesterday. I will allow my heart to hurt, but aim to listen more and fix less. I'll do my best to allow God to drive and not be a backseat driver. I will let go and let God.




On another note, there have been some very great things about the past week and a half as well. I'll end with a snippet of the good stuff.

While I don't have a picture to include, let's just say that Christmas is a comin' and I'm getting a little antsy to kick off the season...... :) :) :)

And finally, here's a little dance party action to make your day complete.....
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=621715476149&l=7063815399018240392

(For some reason you have to copy and paste it. Sorry!)

Enjoy your weekend friends!

Another Birthday in the Books

To me, birthdays are a BIG deal. I mean, come on. They are a celebration of the day you entered the world as a tiny baby with perfect little features that only God himself could create. It's a day when you reflect on all the years you've had before you- all the ways you've grown as a person, all the people you've met along the way, and all the memories you have made up until that point. It's not an ordinary day to me, and it never will be.

I try to go big on birthdays, especially for my husband and kids. I'd love to go all out for my friends and family, and I hope that is something that gets better with time, but for now, I count the people I love lucky to get a card on their special day. Going big doesn't necessarily mean big fancy parties with lots of money spent. I'd love to throw a real "pinterest" party, but the fact of the matter is....we can't afford to. And that's okay. Sure, we've done the big cake thing, and Oooed and Aaahhhed at how perfect the cakes were and how much time, effort and talent went into making it,

 but I don't want my kids to look back and remember what we gave them or how much money we spent on them. I want them to remember the memories that were created and how special we made them feel.

So we make it a point to make our kids' birthdays as extra special as we can from waking them up to the birthday song, giving them a special breakfast, letting them choose their dinner destination, writing out their birth stories, sharing memories we've made with them and watching them bask in the love of all of those around them who try to make their day even more special. We've kept certain traditions and changed others up, but regardless of what we do, they know they are loved. They know they are special. They know that I got the best gift of all the day they were born. It is worth far more than lavish gifts for me to see the tears roll down my daughter's face when we throw a surprise party for her even though we only spent $20 on a birthday gift. Carter will never remember what we gave him for each birthday, but when he asks me to tell him about the day he was born over and over, I know he gets it. Engraved in my memory will be the million times Sawyer yelled to anyone who would listen, "Hey, Say happy birthday to me." They get it.

And then there's Dan. He works so hard to provide for our family. He rarely makes time for himself, which can make him irritable at times, but nevertheless, it is evident that family comes first for him. We are so very very blessed by him, by the work ethic he is passing on to our children, by the time he carves out of his busy schedule to spend quality time with us, by flat out showing he loves us every single day. Blessed almost doesn't seem like a powerful enough word to describe it. So on his birthday, I want him to know that I am so thankful he was born. I am thankful he was put into my life by God's own hand. I want him to know that making memories is the best way we can relive these moments over and over again, and so I plan. I plan his birthday/birthday weekend intentionally and intricately because it ranks right up there with my favorite holidays, and fits nicely into the feature presentation that is the last three months of the year.

This year we did something we've done in the past, but it never fails to deliver with it's clear glass lake, aubergine, rust and golden colored leaves, lots of laughter and exploring, and best of all, dreaming about where we want to be and what we want to do years from now. I love to dream, about as much as I love to reflect. There's something about the unknown, the opportunity, the clean slate that makes me incredibly happy.

Lake of the Ozarks does that for us. This is the third year in a row we have made the trek 8 hours south to visit Jeff and Amanda. Jeff has held a special place in my heart since we were in elementary school, and through his friendship with Dan, our friendship was rekindled in high school, and we've made so many great memories in the 9 years we've been friends.

 It hasn't been without it's ups and downs, but we have weathered rocky storms and made it out the other side. Amanda was the cherry on top. I am so thankful to call her friend, and excited to continue to make new memories with them as a couple.

Our weekend looked a lot like card games and laughter, boat rides and steak suppers, birthday breakfast and balloons, baseball games and hot tubs, cave touring and state park exploring, pumpkin spice lattes and boursin cheese, lots and lots of snacks and hard fall cider and most of all,  putting another successful birthday in the books.

Thanks Jeff and Amanda and Casey and Amy for making memories with us. Thanks for helping me make birthdays a big deal. You are #amazeballs.