Saturday, June 23, 2012

It's not pretty, but it's real

What do you get when you cross a woman with a broken ankle, painkillers, and a couch? A very weepy, depressed mom of 3. I'd be absolutely lying if I told you I was taking this ankle breaking thing well. And even though my last post sounded like I was very positive and was good at looking at the bright side, I'm finding it's very easier said than done. I don't want to pretend like I'm feeling something I'm not, and the truth is...this sucks. It's incredibly hard for me to give up Mexico, swimming in the pool with my kids, going for a run or my zumba nights with the girls. Oddly enough, it's also hard not being able to clean my house, get my kids lunch, dress up to go out, sleep on my stomach or sit in the front seat of my own car. We're a day shy of 2 weeks since this happened, and I don't know how I am going to be able to handle another 4-6 weeks of having a hard cast on this thing.
Truth is....I'm very afraid of what the doctor is going to tell me on Monday. It kills me to think that I might not heal back to normal. I can't imagine not being able to run or zumba again. They have been such a big part of my life. They give me energy and make me a happier person. Right now, every other day is a "good" day. On a bad'll find me weeping at any given second. In fact my voice has a permanent quiver to it. It's hard to determine whether or not I'm crying when you are talking to me. I'm sure some of it has to do with the pain meds. Percocet is known to make you a little emotional, but the bigger part is knowing all that I'm giving up this summer because of this ankle.
I've been waiting four years for this summer. Every summer since I've been out of college, I've had to have a job since I wasn't a full time teacher. This year was the year I got to make up for that. We had made our bucket list of all the things we were going to do this summer. I was going to be hands on, and I had been waiting months for it. Now I get to sit in the same spot on this couch every day for the rest of the summer. No Cancun. No pool. No Twin's game. No bucket list. No walks. No park. No zumba. No running. No summer.
 I thought that I would maybe just write this but not post it, but that's not what this blog is about. Right now, this is the "view from my front porch". It's not pretty, but it's real. And I hope that I can look back on this once this is all over and remember to live life to the fullest. Remember that I could be sitting on the couch with a broken ankle when my daughter wants me to play cards or when Carter wants me to go for a bike ride or when Sawyer wants to go to the park. I hope I remember this when I don't feel like going to zumba or waking up early to get my run in. I truly am grateful for all the people who have stepped in to make my life easier. There are no words to tell them how grateful I am for meals, helping out with my kids, keeping me company, making lunch, cleaning my house, doing laundry, and so much more. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And next time I post, I plan to bring back the positive Mandi you all know and (hopefully) love.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Dealing with the Unexpected

Well if you know me at all, I don't do change terribly well. This was the first summer I got to be a mom and focus on my kids and do things for me. We had trips planned and were excited to begin our summer of fun.

On Sunday, those all became things of the past. During the Warrior Dash, (something I'd been prepping for for months) I slid down the fire pole, locked my leg, and shattered all 3 bones in my ankle upon landing. I was devastated. I knew this wasn't good, and more than likely it meant saying goodbye to summer. I can hardly say that out loud without tears flowing. I had so been looking forward to our trip to Cancun, swimming dates at the pool, zumba, running and long walks with my friends. 

Now I have to fully rely on the help of someone else at all times-someone to get me into and out of bed, someone to dress me and take me to the bathroom, someone to cook for me and clean for me and drive for me, and the worst one of all--someone to help me be a mom. That one is a hard pill to swallow. I have to admit it makes my heart hurt a little, but in the midst of all this change, I'm trying to look for the silver lining in the dark clouds above.

I've learned that despite having to rely on everyone for everything, I have AMAZING friends and family who have stepped up and shown me just how awesome they really are. I can't thank everyone (and you know who you are) enough for everything they do and have done. I've learned what it feels like to watch your husband live out his vows- for better or worse. He's sacrificed so much for me during this whole process and I am so grateful and amazed that God blessed me with this man. I've learned to never take my mom for granted. I know that there are a lot of people out there that don't have positive relationships with their moms, but my mom was right by my side the first chance she could be, and she's never left it since. I'm so incredibly blessed.

My life has always been go-go-go, but now that I don't have a choice, I'm learning how to slow down and just savor the little moments. I get to cuddle with my babies every morning. They don't like to see their mom sad and in pain, so they've given me lots of kisses and hugs. I LOVE this part of being layed up. :) I get to listen to my kids read to me and see how willing they are to help out around the house. I don't like that I am missing ball games and swimming lessons, but I do love  that now I will be able to take some time to watch movies, read more books, play more games, and do whatever I am able to do with them right here on my couch. It's not the way I planned it, but now I get to spend quality time with them uninterrupted. It's just what I needed.

I'm not going to let this make me sad. I'm not going to let it ruin my summer. I'm going to figure out how to as much as I can right from my couch and when I'm allowed, I will sit at the pool and go to ball games in my big monster cast so that I can still be a part of the action. I will not allow this to ruin my attitude. So come and visit me! I promise to devote quality time to just enjoying your company and making the  most out of a crummy situation. Thanks for all your support! I appreciate every one of you!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Dipping my toes in the blogging water

Blogging is something that I've talked about, but never truly thought I would start until now. I'm far from an eloquent writer, and most of the time, I end up writing far more than anyone would like to read. However, since summer started, I keep getting these signs that tell me I NEED to start blogging, especially now that I have the time.

For starters, I have a horrid memory. On most days, I can't remember what I had for lunch the day before. Sometimes, it's a great thing- like when I can't remember why I'm mad. Other times, it's a curse- like when I think I've paid a bill, but I haven't, or I completely forget the details to a story my friend told me months ago. Where am I going with this? I don't want to forget the little moments that make my life so good right now. I always say "I will remember this moment forever" only to be able to recount maybe a quarter of it a week later. Fortunately, we have pictures and facebook to remember some of those things, but I want something that chronicles not only the big moments but also those every day moments that make my world go round because all too soon, they will be gone. This blog gives me the opportunity to relive them over and over again even if I'm the only one that ever reads them.

If you are around me often or ever check my facebook page, you know that I am currently obsessed with a blog: (courtesty of my sister-in-law Beth). She is an amazing woman who has helped me put so many things into perspective as a mom, a wife and a friend. She bases her blog on the idea that the people we love deserve all of us and that nothing is more important than making those memories with them and never letting them forget how much they mean to us. She also hits continuously on a topic that I struggle with daily- distraction. Distraction from cell phones, facebook, e-mails, computer, magazines, books, etc. I'm realizing that I'm missing many moments that I will never get back with my kids, my husband, my family and my friends. I watch as this world is becoming more and more immersed in technology and less involved in the lives of those that matter. I want to change that. I NEED to change that for the sake of those that I love.

So that's why I'm here. I hope to be able to share those moments and to write about the good the bad and the ugly of becoming more of a hands free mama, wife and friend. I welcome the company! Thanks for reading!