Thursday, July 30, 2015

Quiet Moments

 First of all, I need to just say an overwhelming THANK YOU after my last post. The moment I hit publish, I regretted it, worrying that I had made a mistake. I had made myself incredibly vulnerable, choosing to wear all my insides on the outside. What I wanted was for more people to feel free to come out and say "Me too". I wanted others to be able to share their stories and know they weren't alone, but I immediately began to wonder whether people would assume I was posting to get attention or to play the woe is me card. But you didn't. My inbox was flooded with people saying "Me too", "Thank you", "You aren't alone". People stopped over to give me a hug. Cards came in the mail. It was more than I could have ever possibly imagined. I know I'm loved. I never doubted it, but all of your comments and words of affirmation reminded me that my village rocks. You can never tell someone you love them enough, and I felt it. So THANK YOU!

I wish that meant that the bad days would have stayed away for awhile, but summer seems to have exacerbated the feelings. Sadness is taking over headquarters this week unfortunately. I shipped my kids off to camp this week. Jaedyn and Carter are there all week, and Sawyer is only home at night. Having too much time to myself forces all the feelings to come to the surface. All the thoughts. All the emotions. All the guilt, shame, and fear that I'm not good enough. So I'm wrestling. It's a good thing. I need to let myself feel things, and it's easier to be sad when you don't have to hide from anyone. I'm working through it, and it will be alright. My village is working hard, and I'm grateful for their presence. I'll see the doctor today, and hopefully she will have some wise words as well. Right now, I've gone MIA. I'm not me, and so I'm fighting like hell to find her back. I know she's in there. I've just got to keep searching. I think that means that more quiet moments are in my future. I won't find her hiding at the pool or running errands. She won't be in the glass of wine or in the queso dip. I'll find her when I'm still and when I'm ready to hear her.

 Writing has become therapy for me. I write this blog for my kids and for my friends and family, and anyone who might be able to take something away from it, but I also write it for me. I find clarity once I've thrown up all my feelings onto a blank page. I definitely don't feel like I need to publish everything I write, but I've always been an open book. It's who I am. I've lost too much of myself to throw away the rest of it, so I hope you all can understand that I can't always write the happy. This is the season of life I'm in, and I'm going to try to embrace it as much as I can. And my hope is that in the process, I find myself.

But I DO have some happy to share. We celebrated my dear friend Melissa's birthday a few weeks ago. I LOVE birthdays. I love celebrating with them and reminding them just how important they are to me. So we had birthday pedicures, birthday pool dates, birthday boating, and birthday wine tasting. It was awesome.

Birthday pedi date

Sunday sips and swings at Calico Skies

Part of our crew at the Garden's for Lis's birthday
Next week Dan and I leave for Royal Family Kids Camp. I'm super excited to serve these kids next week but also a little anxious that I won't be able to get it together next week. Please pray for my heart and soul to be there next week so I can focus my attention on the reason I'm there. Thanks friends! You are amazing. :)

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