At the same time, I'm feeling like the "busy" of my life never really stops. It ebbs and flows a bit, but I don't think there is ever a moment where I actually feel chill. Right now, I'm feeling the pull at work with the end of the quarter finishing and report cards being due, trying to get kids reassessed and finish standards that need to be taught. Having Friday off last week was a well needed breath of fresh air. With Easter coming early, I have a feeling that April on will be a killer!
If you know me, I tend to be a procrastinator. I don't know if it can really be helped a whole lot. Looking ahead doesn't do much other than remind me of all the things on my to do list, so sometimes, I just have to look at my week and say, "what needs to be done today?" However, when I looked at the calendar this week, I got this all to familiar pang of dread that sweeps in ever so slightly around this time of year. The one that reminds me that I (again) didn't "find my beach body" or at least take care of it like I should. It reminds me that another summer is coming- one where I probably won't shop for a pair of shorts for the 4th year in a row. One where shopping for swimming suits literally makes me sick to my stomach. One where I will forget that this body made three beautiful children when I look in the mirror and instead will add another mark of failure on her imaginary check list for not taking care of it like I should.
I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I feel guilty for the body I've been given. I hate that I can't see past the stretch marks to the children that God has blessed us with. I hate that I constantly critique my double chin and love handles when choosing an outfit to wear. I hate that I forget to be grateful for a body that is capable to do whatever I ask of it. Some people would only be so lucky. I hate that I let comparison of my friends, family, and strangers rob me of my joy when I feel like I've failed myself for the millionth time. I hate that I don't have the self control or where-with-all to meal prep and stick to a plan.
Friends, I've come along ways on my journey with depression and anxiety. I'm learning to take better care of myself all the time, but this is an area I really struggle with. Those thoughts^^^^^ are all too familiar in my head. They wreak havoc in my brain on the daily. One of the gals I've followed on Instagram for quite some time says this a lot. "Stay in your own lane". It's not my job to compare my part of this journey to anyone else's. Everyone has different starting points, and most definitely they ALL come with their own struggles and ugly self talk at some point. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm making progress in small baby steps.
I'm trying to remember that I have a daughter who is watching me. A daughter who is starting to feel the societal pressures of looking a certain way. It's terrifying because I know too many people who let that voice that told them they weren't good enough, skinny enough, or pretty enough rob them of their joy as well. In some of them, it manifested in the form of eating disorders, or like me, depression and/or anxiety. So I'm hoping to let those fears propel me forward. Jae and I are talking about staying fit together- trying out new recipes, working out together. I don't want this to be a taboo subject. I want her to be able to share her feelings and feel validated when she does. I want to be able to tell her that I too feel that way sometimes. I hear a lot of moms sharing about how they watch how they talk about their bodies when they are around their girls/kids. That's a great start, but I want to make sure I'm not ignoring the subject altogether. Instead of having her hear me say "I'm fat" or "I need to lose weight" or "I hate the way I look", I want her to hear me say "I want to feel strong", "I like how my body feels when I eat good foods", "I like this outfit because it makes me feel confident". Reframing how we talk about ourselves will hopefully do more than be a good example for our kids. I hope that it also helps us see our own bodies in a different light as well.
We are all made differently. Nobody's body reacts the same way to food and exercise. It's not fair for me to compare myself to anyone else even if our workouts and meal plans are similar. Staying in my own lane is definitely a challenge yet a goal for me all at the same time. On most days, I feel like not only am I not making progress, but I feel like I've gone so far backwards that it's hard to gain the momentum to move forward.
On the flip side, I feel like I'm learning to be more aware- aware of when I eat poorly (for the record, it's when I'm feeling overloaded, so pretty much almost always), aware of how sleep patterns and exhaustion affect my hunger levels and my ability to work out effectively, aware of how stress dictates the course of my day. What I'm finding is not new news. I do poorly when I don't plan because my life is a giant ball of chaos and disorder. I tend to hole up and ignore any responsibilities when I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and those responsibilities include taking care of myself. It's easier to make myself a bowl of mac and cheese or ramen noodles because they are easy and I love them then it is for me to make something more nutritionally sound. It's easier for me to say no to my morning walk when I haven't gotten enough sleep, and I'm exhausted. It's easier for me to have a glass of wine when I'm stressed then to do something more productive. So while the physical evidence doesn't quite show that I'm making progress, being aware is a very small step in the right direction. Remembering that I can't change it all in a week is the next bridge I have to cross. Taking every decision as it comes and trying not to allow myself to live in judgement or guilt will really be a giant step in the right direction into helping me make better daily life choices. I have a lot of trouble with the "all or nothing" concept. I want whatever I do to be healthy to be sustainable and maintainable, and because of that, I know this will be a longer journey than it is for some. I'm learning to be okay with that. The final piece of this puzzle that is mandatory in my opinion, is that I need to learn to love myself as is. I need to be okay with the journey even if I don't "see" progress. I'm committed to staying in my own lane, and while I know I'll need reminders, it already feels like a load is off my shoulders.
Those are my epiphanies for the day. I hope that if you find yourself in the same position I am in, that you will remember you aren't alone, and that your journey is far from over. There is no "too late" for anyone until we're dead, so keep putting one foot in front of the other, and don't be afraid to share your story with others as well. When we are able to see others be vulnerable and authentic, it creates space for the rest of the world to do the same. That's really what this world needs more of #amiright?
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